Never Not Thinking of You
by Ithinkyoullknxw
Summary: "Because death is the only thing that could have ever kept him from you."


**_"When his wife was at his side, she was also in front of him, marking out the horizon of his life. Now the horizon is empty: the view has changed."_**

It's been an hour baby, I don't know how to breathe without you. I'm still sitting beside you in the piercing silence. You're still warm to touch, your hand is still sweaty, stuck in mine, entwined. It's been an hour baby, I don't know how to cope. I haven't said a word baby, words escape me now.

It's been a day baby, I've had to leave you now. I'm sitting in our home except now it's just a house. They say a home is a heartbeat and two arms, but your arms can't hold me now. I guess when your heart stopped beating, you took my home right with you.

It's been a week baby, I don't feel like I exist. Every time I close my eyes your face, it haunts my dreams. Our little girl, she cries for you, her mummy, she needs you so. She hasn't left my side since it happened, she's scared I'll leave her too. I remember just how scared you were, baby. "A mother I can never be." But in the years that I have known you, a mummy is all that you became.

It's been a month baby, the pain hasn't faded once. I don't know how to live, baby, I'm so scared I'm not enough. You used to wipe her tears at night, you taught her to be strong. She learnt from you baby, how can I teach her the things I adored in you, now that you are gone? I miss you, crave you, I want you. How can I reach to you?

It's been six months baby, nothing ever changes. You loved every insecurity I faced and now you're gone, I think they're here to stay. They used to mock us so, baby. Said we'd never last. We lasted ever so long baby, now we'll last forever more. I can never love another, angel, I'm scared I'll forget your voice. I can see your face when I look at her, her eyes they scream of you.

"Mummy", I hear her whisper, when she thinks I cannot hear, "mummy I can't see you now, please come back from heaven. Daddy misses you mumma, but not as much as me. I want to be like you mumma, I want to be brave. I'm scared to close my eyes mumma, I cannot feel you when I sleep. Please come back mummy, make my daddy smile. I try my really best mummy, but I'm not as good as you. He needs to see your face again, maybe just once more. Give him one last dance, mumma, he'd like that very much. If you can't come back for daddy, please come back for me. You're a very pretty star mummy, but I need you next to me."

It's been a year baby, you're still every part of me. I still place your glass on your table every night, your unread book is still untouched, your perfume still in place. Ever since you left us, angel, I have lost control over everything, especially my thoughts. I try to be strong for you, for our little one. She looks like you so much, my love, she has your feisty nature too. Sometimes she speaks, I think it's you, my heart is torn in two. I love her endlessly, my darling, but I wish I had you too.

It's been five years, baby, it still feels like five minutes. I can hear you, baby, I hear you everyday. They say I should have moved on, your Chelle, she tells us everyday. You would want for me to love again, she knows you ever so well. And yet the side of you I know better would have wanted none of that. Part of you may be happy baby, to know I still mourn for you. I have learnt that I'd rather have been so blissfully happy to have had you so briefly than to have never loved you at all. How can I love another, when my heart still sings for you?

Its been ten years, baby, our girl is all grown up. To look at her is too look at you, we remember you every day. The light you left behind, you left it in her. She lights up the room, Carla, the way only you could. All eyes on her, such a tender young age. I know she'd make you proud. You were the best part of me, my darling, I wish I'd told you more. I told you once I knew how to loved you, I knew what it meant to live. When your heart stopped beating, a part of mine went with.

Its been a long few years, baby, time is still passing by. I'm not very well, my love, we may be together soon. I'm fighting through it for our girl, though she is grown now too. She has a little baby, Carla, named after you. Another light for this world, another reminder of you. I never loved another, darling, you were far too consuming.

Just in case you ever forget, baby, I'm never not thinking of you.


End file.
